In ‘The Ice Harvest,’ any place is better than home for the holidays

The Ice Harvest movie christmas

Welcome to The Twelve Ways of Christmas, where we unpack weird and overlooked holiday films. And let’s face it, the blog roll could use the attention.

With little rhyme or reason, check in from now until The Day That Must Not Be Named for a new entry.

As the Perry Como song goes, “There’s no place like home for the holidays.” But what if home is Wichita? Como, who was born in Pennsylvania and died in the Sunshine State, likely wouldn’t have an answer for Kansans. The Ice Harvest on the other hand, has a pretty clear message: leave while you still can.

Adapted from Scott Phillips’ 2000 novel, Harold Ramis’ The Ice Harvest is bedecked in wreaths and Christmas lights but feels unabashedly dreary. At the heart of this caper’s cynicism is mob lawyer Charlie Arglist (John Cusack, in a spectacularly Cusackian role), who’s just ripped off the mafia for $2 million with the help of his pal and small business (strip club) owner Vic Cavanaugh (Billy Bob Thornton). It’s Christmas Eve, and the pair plan to play it cool for the evening before ditching town the following morning. Unfortunately, Charlie’s longtime crush (Connie Nielsen) has picked the worst possible night to finally warm up to him. Oh, and the mob’s probably going to want that money back.

The Ice Harvest movie christmas 2

Leaving your loved ones in the dust on Christmas Day for a bag of dirty money is sardonic stuff, even when compared to another grim Billy Bob Thornton film, Bad Santa. In Terry Zwigoff’s superb blackhearted comedy, Thornton’s alcoholic scrooge plays beautifully off the deadpan earnestness of Brett Kelly’s Thurman Merman. To quote Thornton in The Ice Harvest, “Only morons are nice on Christmas,” with no lovable loser in sight to warm his heart. In fact, everything about Wichita only confirms everyone’s Grinchiness. Charlie’s depressed with no love life. Vic’s a hot head and a little too eager to stab those close to him in the back. Even the man with the cheeriest disposition, Charlie’s best friend (Oliver Platt), is an alcoholic who’s unhappily married to Charlie’s ex-wife — and as Charlie jokes, she’s probably sleeping with someone else. Ramis has primed this version of Kansas for maximum melancholy. The grass isn’t greener on the other side because everything’s covered in ice.

And rain. Lots and lots of rain. Charlie and Vic never fail to point out how everyone they know is spending time with their families, and that includes the mob boss they ripped off (Randy Quaid, in an inspired but unrealized bit of casting). The Ice Harvest is at its best when it’s raining on its own parade and at its worst whenever things drift back to the embezzlement at hand. Before the final act, Charlie drunkenly stumbles through a gas station to buy a handful of dollar store stocking stuffers for his estranged children. It’s 4:00 AM on Christmas morning and there’s nothing but shrink-wrapped army men and a bottle of beer to keep him company. The tragedy isn’t that Charlie’s lonely; it’s that it’s too easy to see why he’d want to leave.

Way #1: Batman Returns

Way #2: Black Nativity

Way #3: The Gingerdead Man